


Special Delivery

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, Kink, M/M, Ouch, Pizza, fun with food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 00:02:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Lister wants to surprise Rimmer with two of his favorite things - pizza and sex.  As is typical for the Boys From the Dwarf, things don’t go exactly as planned.





	Special Delivery

**Author's Note:**

> This stems from a Tumblr post about Rimmer’s canonical liking for a postcoital pizza. Bon appetit!

“Got a question for ya.” Lister lazily rolled onto his back and looked up at Rimmer, who was leaning back against his pillows and contentedly polishing off the last of a large quattro formaggi pizza with extra olives. 

Mouth full, the hologram mumbled, “Mmm?”

“What is it with you, sex, and pizza?”

Rimmer arched a quizzical brow at his partner. “Beg pardon?”

Smirking, Lister replied, “You heard me, man. Every time we have sex, you scoff down a pizza. Changes with what kind of sex, too. Missionary, it’s your four-cheese one there.”

“Quattro formaggi.”

“Whatever. Blow jobs get a Margherita. Hand jobs, pepperoni.”

“Now, see here, Listy!” Rimmer sputtered indignantly. “I do not pair pizzas with sex acts!”

“You do, mate! Good job we don’t do anything really weird anymore, as just the smell of those ham and pineapple things makes me sick.” Lister grinned cheekily as Rimmer’s nostrils began flaring. “So, why the pizzas?”

“I don’t smegging know,” Rimmer replied testily. “I had a pizza with McGruder after I gave her one - you can bloody well stop snickering - and I suppose it’s become a habit.” 

“Well, I can see how that could happen. Quarter froggio, was that one, then? Personal size? Hey!” Squeaking, Lister curled on his side, trying to protect his belly as, half-annoyed and half-amused, Rimmer playfully leaned over to tickle him. As tickles led to caresses and heated kisses, Lister began to concoct a plan for a bit of bedtime fun. 

A few evenings later, Rimmer was faffing about with his sketchbook and pencils in the Science Room when the _Dwarf’s_ internal messaging system chirped a notification. 

 

_GuitarGOD: Come to the bunkroom, Arn. I have a *big* surprise for you - xoxoxo_

 

“‘Arn,’ eh? I wonder what the little goit is up to,” Rimmer said aloud, cock stirring slightly in interest as he tapped out a quick reply. 

 

_DukeRimmer: On my way, Listy. What’s the dress code for this evening? Naked, I hope..._

 

_GuitarGOD: U will c......._

_GuitarGOD: Sorry - I meant to say you’ll see. xxx_

 

Cheered at the prospect of a pleasant little romantic encounter, Rimmer logged out (it wouldn’t do for that jumped-up bogbot or idiotic moggy to stumble upon their private messages) and headed for the bunkroom. 

To Rimmer’s surprise and vague annoyance, the sleeping quarters were unoccupied when he strode in. “Listy,” he called out. “Where are you, you little gimboid?”

No answer. Rimmer grumbled a bit, then tried again. “Listy? You’re the one who called me down here, you git. Where are you?” Still no response. Rimmer poked his head into the bathroom, half-hoping to find Lister lounging seductively in the tub with candles and flowers and wine, but his partner was nowhere to be found. Huffing in irritation, the hologram stomped over to the sofa, dropping gracelessly into his usual spot and switching on the TV. 

He had only been watching _Holo-Bob Ross’s Joy of Painting XXVIII_ for a few minutes when he heard Lister trotting down the corridor. He listened as his partner stopped just outside their quarters and apparently began to muck about with something large, grunting and swearing under his breath. While Lister growled and struggled with whatever he was wrestling, the tantalizing aroma of a Margherita pizza wafted through the door, seductively teasing Rimmer’s nose. _Oral, then,_ Rimmer thought, beginning to salivate at the prospect of savoring the tastes of both Lister’s gorgeous cock and a well-made pizza. 

Assuming that Lister would come in when he finished whatever fool thing he was doing, Rimmer leaned back into the sofa cushions, closed his eyes, and began stroking his growing erection through his trousers. He was unbuckling his belt when a pained yelp from the corridor startled him.

“SMEGGING HELL! FUCK! Damn it, that smegging HURTS!” As Rimmer leapt up off the sofa, Lister staggered through the door, gripping a pizza box with one hand and his cock with the other. He dropped the box and sank to his knees on the floor, still clutching himself and moaning, “Smeg smeg smeg fucking SMEG!” 

Rimmer was at Lister’s side in an instant, crouching beside him while placing a comforting hand on his back. “Listy, what’s wrong? What happened? Dave, look at me!”

Whimpering in pain, Lister managed to grind out, “It’s me todger,” through gritted teeth. 

“Your what? What the hell happened? Here - let me see!” Ignoring Lister’s weak protests, Rimmer gently pried his partner’s hand away from the offending bits, and examined him. “What’s this all over you? Is that - cheese?” Baffled, Rimmer stared at Lister. “Listy, why the smeg are you covered in melted cheese?”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Lister groaned. “Look at the box.”

Rimmer glanced at the box as he gently lifted Lister into his arms and carried him into the bathroom to clean him up. “Why the smeg is there a hole in it?”

As Rimmer washed him, Lister sheepishly confessed, “I saw a porno once where a guy served his todge up to his bird in a pizza box. I thought it might be fun to do that with you. Ouch - careful, man! It smegging hurts!” 

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to be careful, but you’ve done a job on yourself,” Rimmer fussed as he applied burn cream to his partner’s reddened cock. “This would be much more fun if I wasn’t rendering first aid.” As Lister sadly nodded in agreement, Rimmer kissed his cheek. “Thank you for thinking of me,” the hologram said. “Your idea was very sweet. Completely mad, mind you, but sweet.” As he helped Lister down off the bathroom counter, Rimmer casually added, “Oh, and, Listy?”

“Yeah, man?”

“I saw that movie. You’re supposed to leave the hot pizza out of the box.”

“Smegger.” Lister punched the snickering hologram in the arm.

“Well, at least we still have dinner. I can go for pizza minus the sausage. Wait - do I hear Cat?”

“Hey, buds! Why’s this pizza on the floor? You monkeys are so weird. Lemme have a slice!”

“Cat, NO!”


End file.
